Confession Time

I am terrified right now!

Not just apprehensive. Not just unsure. Not just a little scared.

I am actually terrified right now!!!

I am in the process of going back to work. I've been out of the workforce for 11 years.

In 2001, I became pregnant with our first child. I was teaching at a small school district that I loved so much. I taught math, science, social studies, and health to 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. The class sizes were small (in fact, the largest class was the 4th graders with a whopping 20 kids - 20 kids in the entire grade! Can you say DREAM JOB?). I loved teaching the kids and I loved the school and my fellow teachers.

So when we found out about the baby I just assumed I would continue working. I wasn't sure what we do but I figured we had 9 months to figure it out.

As the pregnancy went on, Jeff and I really felt that the Lord was calling me to stay home. We just felt it was the best thing for our baby and our family. So I resigned from teaching. I never looked back. Ty was the best baby and I knew being at home with him was where I was supposed to be. Four years later, Little Bit entered our lives. And again, I never thought I belonged any where but with them.

I have been so very fulfilled being a mom. Like I wrote before, I found myself after becoming a mom. I focused on my marriage and my precious babies. Teaching was fulfilling in its own way, but being a mommy was leaps and bounds above that.

Now, Ty is going into the 6th grade and Sydney is going into the 1st grade! (Wait a minute! When did that happen?!? He can't be 11 years old. She can't be almost 7 years old. There's no way this is happening!)

So where does that leave this stay-at-home mommy? Looking for a job, that's where. And like I said in the beginning, I'm TERRIFIED! I haven't taught since 2001/2002 and I can tell you, the schools are not the same at all. The public school system in Texas has dramatically changed in the past 11 years. Teaching has dramatically changed. Despite the fact that I have volunteered in my kids' elementary school since Ty was in Kindergarten; I still have no idea how stressful it is. I can imagine. I remember what it was like 11 years ago, but times are definitely different.

I was so busy being a mommy, I didn't take any professional development courses or continuing education courses. I worry that my lack of continuing education will hinder my ability to get back into the schools. I worry that I have tied my hands.

I know I really need to get a job again. But the idea of not using my education that my parents paid a fortune for, makes me sick. Teaching is a calling for me. I love it and honestly, I am good at it. Teaching comes naturally for me and I just can't see myself doing anything else (except raising my babies).

I also worry what getting a job will do to our family. How will it affect my marriage? How will it affect Ty and Sydney? How will affect my volunteer work with the Boy Scouts of America Cub Scout program? How will it affect me?

I guess all the worrying is senseless until I get a job but I can't stop. And the closer I get to the interviewing (first one is tomorrow, actually), I feel more overwhelmed. More terrified!